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The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."  

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Hypnotism at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude

withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it

The Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you liked under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms his interest.

Sue told him t hat since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'




Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he 'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, is a poker player! 

Shooting Glasses

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws 

his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico
our glasses are so cheap we don't need to

drink from the same glass twice...."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either....

The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it,
throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice...."

God Bless America.... 

The Love Dress

 A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work" The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"  ◄----DOH!!

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" 

The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says

Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he
gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides. 

Chili Cook-off

  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap!? What the hell is this stuff?? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

**************************************** *************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork.? Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.

I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.

My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.

That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!?
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.

I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.?

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.?

Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.?

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.? Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet.? Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.

I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.

I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.

I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.

My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

The Football Game


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says,  "Half time, switch sides. 

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching a TV show about  someone in a coma on life support.

When the show was over I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch......



Public Service Announcement:

Watch out for two young and very attractive women, working the Home Depot parking lots.

Their back story is that one of their boyfriends, or husband had gotten in an argument and left them stranded there, so they needed a ride. Both would sit in the back seat, and shortly start making out with each other. They would then invite you to join them. While one kept you busy the other would take your wallet and cash.


I had my wallet stolen on Monday, Tuesday, Friday evening, and again on Sunday.......

Bedtime Prayers

  A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless

Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy,

it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers which went like this:

'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father,
this kid is in contact with the other side!
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say: 'God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to
his office.He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of
the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and

jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.'  <---DOH!! 

The
Baptist Newfie.....

A Newfie walks into a Toronto bar and orders three mugs of Moosehead.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the Newfie,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would
taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Newfie replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One's in Come by Chance and the other's in Cornerbrook
Before I left home, we promised each other that
we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together.
So I'm drinkin' one beer for each of my brothers
and one for meself." The bartender admits that this
is a nice custom and leaves it at that.

The Newfie becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Newfie looks quite puzzled for a moment,
but then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that me wife and I joined the Baptist
Church and I had to quit drinkin'."

"Hasn't affected me brothers though." 

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