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Share This Page The Pirate A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey,
I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." |
Hypnotism at the Senior Center It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude
the hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. The polished
metal gleamed in the light.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to
swing the watch
gently back and forth while quietly 'SH!T!' said the Hypnotist. It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center ![]()
| The Poker Player |
The Candy with the
Little Holes The children began to
identify the flavors by their color:Red.......................Cherry Yellow..................Lemon Green...................Lime Orange ...............Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes! ![]() Shooting Glasses his glass in the air, He says, "In Mexico drink from the same glass twice...." The Love Dress A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's
house. She
knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the
old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." The old man replied, "It's
fart football." Touchdown, tie score." Not to be
outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." "Field goal,
I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. Since defeat is
totally unacceptable, he The wife says, "What the hell was
that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides. Chili Cook-off For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting drunk from all of the beer. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!? I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.? The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage.? Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.? I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off.? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. I pooped on myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. I've lost sight in one
eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava to match ***************************************************** CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller! Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No report.
| The Football Game The Missing Car A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and
he
is
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the
living room watching a TV show about someone in a coma on life support.
When the show
was over I said to her,
Bedtime
Prayers A father put
his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a
story, and Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.' it just seemed like the thing to
do.' He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the
end
of jumping at every sound. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our
porch.' <---DOH!! The
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